31 year old me

Who I am at 31 years of age:

Disclaimer: I'm not actually 31 in this picture. I'm 30 years, 11 months, but it's the most recent one I got.

I am changing, still.  I have become more introverted.  It is difficult for me to start up conversations and to keep up small talk.  I am still my biggest critic.  My lack of self confidence often holds me back.  However, I am growing more comfortable in my skin.  I know my strengths and weaknesses.  I am not afraid to admit when I don’t know the answer.  I still catch myself thinking, “wonder what so and so will think if I do/wear/buy this,” but now I respond with “what does it matter as long as I like it?”  Once I know someone, I am an open book.  I have an extremely difficult time keeping secrets about my life.

I am fully aware that some people do not get a fair shake at life.  We do not have equality of opportunity.  Life isn’t fair.  I grow more sensitive to this fact everyday.  It is impossible for me not to put myself in someone else’s shoes when I hear their story.  My empathy for strangers knows no bounds.  It often floods my emotions.

I am a survivor of depression.  It is always lurking, staying as close as my shadow.  Some days I hate myself.  Some days I think the world would be better without me.  However, the attacks are much less frequent and less severe than they used to be.  I credit my husband for the stability he brought to my life.  I struggle with anxiety.  I worry about things unlikely to happen and constantly prepare strategies to deal with these imaginary situations.

I love to write; I love to create.  I love color.  I am a little quirky.  I like my showers too hot, too much pepper on my food, and I am way too intense when I play games.  I do not like to wear socks or the sound of fingernails on fabric. I end telephone calls, as well as text message and email conversations, awkwardly and abruptly.

I am loved.  My life is full of amazing people who are happy when I succeed and grieve with me when I am mourning.  I am also madly in love–this is not an exaggeration.  My life is beautiful.

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